I can't help but post this picture. It is amusing, no? Despite the useless arguments with my sister and the typical little brother behavior from my bro, I love them. God bless the sibling rivalry :-D

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

The Prophet said, "A man set out to visit a brother (in Faith) in another town and Allah sent an angel on his way. When the man met the angel, the latter asked him, "Where do you intend to go?" He said, "I intend to visit my brother in this town". The angel said, "Have you done any favour to him?" He said, "No, I have no desire except to visit him because I love him for the sake of Allah, the Exalted, and Glorious." Thereupon the angel said, "I am a messenger to you from Allah (to inform you) that Allah loves you as you love him (for His sake)."
Muslim

For the very first time, I stayed up all night on the Night of Power. Al though last year, I got a taste of nightlong prayers during an itekhaaf, that just couldn't compare. Lailatul Qadr was made especially memorable when a few friends had accompanied me in prayers and Quran reading. But there was on little problem.

Infact, it wasn't so little. It was and is probably the most frustrating challenge for me by far, and I end up feeling hopeless.

As a young hafidh recited with such eloquent qiraat throughout the night, I found myself being sidetracked and dozing off in the middle of prayer. It wasn't because I was ignorant of the "Message" of the Quran ul Kareem, but rather I couldn't understand the Arabic. At least during the taraweehs, I was able to hold a Quran with its translation and greatly appreciate the taraweeh prayers.Without a translation book resting in my palms, this night discouraged me to the point that I didn't want to pray anymore, because I felt it was futile and served no benefit for me.

It wasn't until the last prayer, Salatul Witr, when the shaykh became so deeply engrossed in making duas, that he started to weep. I could just hear the anguish, the powerful yearning for repentace from the Almighty. It was a plea of such sincerity, that it made me feel fake; as if whatever action I had intended to do for Allah was really just a psychological mirage, that I was only imagining myself growing in imaan (faith), yet I wasn't progressing because I couldn't feel his pain!

I heard women weep around me, even my mother who didn't understand the arabic duas. By now, I was greatly annoyed that I couldn't understand. If those like my mother, who did not comprehend the language, yet were able to seize the intensity of the shaykh's pleas and take it as their own, then why couldn't I? I found my self shedding tears, yet I knew it was only out of frustration.

Maybe Allah subhana wa ta Allah could accept those prayers because I struggled. Every prayer that I intend to make solely to Him, he can accept it as it is, or even more than it is worth, because I tried and made a sincere effort. Maybe.


"Allahumma innaka afuwwun kareemun tuhib-bul af-wa fa-afo anni"
(O Allah, You are the One who grants pardon for sins, loves forgiving, so forgive me.)

O, the Calamity

October 7th. Friday- the night before the SAT's and the 3rd day of Ramadan. I had the choice to either peruse through old notes before the day of a test (that many say is all but a test, but I continue to see otherwise) or I could drag myself into the covers and get a good night's rest.

I rarely get sufficient sleep. Yet that night, I had this random impulse to memorize a new surah. Now in actuality, I made a Ramadan resolution to complete Juz Amma by the end of the month on top of all the standardized testing, ap studying, and college appliation-filling. Astaghfirullah, if only I had the steadfastness.

So as I sifted through the pages of the Quran, I came across Surah Al Zalzalah. The Calamity. As I began repeating each ayah and studying its translation, I couldn't help but think of the many occurences, in which I felt this eerie and very sudden sensation of fear. It felt physically constricting, as if my muscles tightened and every organ in my body failed gravity. As if the echoes of Allah's wrath shook my insides, until my ego was bruised, and my heart heavy.

ya Allah, I sighed under my breath as I re-encountered these emotions with my finger trembling over the lines- (bismillah ar rahman ir rahim)

1. When the earth is shaken with its (final) earthquake.
2. And when the earth throws out its burdens
3. And man will say: "What is the matter with it?"
4. That Day it will declare its information (about all what happened over it of good or evil)
5. Because your Lord has inspired it.
6. That Day mankind will proceed in scattered groups that they may be shown their deeds.
7. So whosoever does good equal to the weight of an atom (or a small ant), shall see it.
8. And whosoever does evil equal to the weight of an atom (or a small ant), shall see it.

The next day, my experience was a long ways behind me. I was clogging my brain with SAT anxiety. 4 hours later, I come home with Zalzalah on repeat in the car. I thought nothing of it. No fear. No emotion.

My family was sitting together in the kitchen as I walked in. A rare occurence, for sure. My dad was holding the phone, waiting impatiently as my mother delivered the news that I will never forget

"Sabra, there was an earthquake in Kashmir. We've been calling home, but no one has picked up."


When the earth is shaken with its (final) earthquake.
And when the earth throws out its burdens
And man will say: "What is the matter with it?

Subhan'Allah. Do I dare say this was a mere coincidence? Had Allah, the Almighty instilled this overwhelming fear the night before to remind me? To warn me of of the Day to come? Was I so wrong as to overlook the power of Allah's wrath? The immortality of His existence? The oneness of His being?

I was in awe by Allah's mercy upon me when just the night before, I read about The Calamity, yet so selfishly, for I didn't realize that the following morning, my 79,000 brothers and sisters in Kashmir would perish at the rise of dawn and the start of fast.

As for my family back home, they are safe and sound, Alhamdulillah. Although impacted by Allah's wrath, they were granted the protection of Allah's refuge. may Allah protect us all from His wrath, and grant us his mercy and reward.

Ameen.

As Salamwalaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatahu,
[May the peace of Allah descend upon you and His Mercy and Blessings]

THREE! Three months of chaos, anticipation, anxiety, studying, slacking, and no journal entry. inshaAllah, I hope to re-establish the consistency of my journal writing as I have realized that it's the only outlet for my sanity.

And of course I'll have my friends with a double major in biomedical engineering and say, astronomical physics for instance that will snicker at this post and pass off a "Wait until college" remark. But these four years have been a test for me just like on a macroscopic scale, this life is a test for me.

So much has happened in these three months in my life, and as insignificant as they may be, such impacts on my life continue to mold me into a person better, or possibly worse than before. Allahu Alim.

So here begins my post-summer sequel. A new, questionably adventurous chapter in my life. And you are here to read about it. Welcome. :) Watch your step though, I tend to go off on tangents :)