For the very first time, I stayed up all night on the Night of Power. Al though last year, I got a taste of nightlong prayers during an itekhaaf, that just couldn't compare. Lailatul Qadr was made especially memorable when a few friends had accompanied me in prayers and Quran reading. But there was on little problem.

Infact, it wasn't so little. It was and is probably the most frustrating challenge for me by far, and I end up feeling hopeless.

As a young hafidh recited with such eloquent qiraat throughout the night, I found myself being sidetracked and dozing off in the middle of prayer. It wasn't because I was ignorant of the "Message" of the Quran ul Kareem, but rather I couldn't understand the Arabic. At least during the taraweehs, I was able to hold a Quran with its translation and greatly appreciate the taraweeh prayers.Without a translation book resting in my palms, this night discouraged me to the point that I didn't want to pray anymore, because I felt it was futile and served no benefit for me.

It wasn't until the last prayer, Salatul Witr, when the shaykh became so deeply engrossed in making duas, that he started to weep. I could just hear the anguish, the powerful yearning for repentace from the Almighty. It was a plea of such sincerity, that it made me feel fake; as if whatever action I had intended to do for Allah was really just a psychological mirage, that I was only imagining myself growing in imaan (faith), yet I wasn't progressing because I couldn't feel his pain!

I heard women weep around me, even my mother who didn't understand the arabic duas. By now, I was greatly annoyed that I couldn't understand. If those like my mother, who did not comprehend the language, yet were able to seize the intensity of the shaykh's pleas and take it as their own, then why couldn't I? I found my self shedding tears, yet I knew it was only out of frustration.

Maybe Allah subhana wa ta Allah could accept those prayers because I struggled. Every prayer that I intend to make solely to Him, he can accept it as it is, or even more than it is worth, because I tried and made a sincere effort. Maybe.


"Allahumma innaka afuwwun kareemun tuhib-bul af-wa fa-afo anni"
(O Allah, You are the One who grants pardon for sins, loves forgiving, so forgive me.)